Film Review: The Hobbit "The Battle of the Five Armies"

**Spoilers**
If you have not yet seen this movie, please go and do so before proceeding.

            This was so incredibly anti-climatic that I don't even know where to start. There were times when I honest-to-God felt like I was watching a play-through of the video game. I'm all for a final installment of a trilogy being non-stop action and drama, but this was just ridiculous. If this were a TV show, I would be saying that it 'jumped the shark' at this episode. Really, these movies should not have been split into a trilogy. Two films would have been better as originally planned AND the title could have been There And Back Again with exactly the same impact. It did not need to be changed.

What I Liked:

- Martin Freeman. Just...just Martin Freeman. Whenever I heard they were making The Hobbit, he was my first pick as the actor to play young!Bilbo. Thankfully he was PJ's first pick also and he just does a tremendous job in the titular role of the hobbit.

- Love that they kept Bilbo's less-than-welcoming homecoming in there. That was always one of my favorite parts of the books and it's just hilarious to see him spluttering at those who are making off with his best armchair (and silver spoons) as he stumps up the path with his sword and dragon gold.

- Absolutely ADORE Ian Holm returning as older!Bilbo.

- Galadriel's fight with the Necromancer is one of the most beautiful, terrifying, and incredible things I have ever seen. It called to mind shades of Luthien Tinuviel facing off against Morgoth (which I'm sure was intentional) and really showcased just how much power the Lady of Lorien carries inside of her, both as an elven queen and as a ringbearer. Great stuff!

- The visuals of Smaug burning down Laketown were quite impressive. I still say that should have been the climax of the last movie, rather than the dwarves trying to dip the dragon in nacho cheese.

- Thorin and Bilbo and Balin. Man, I still can't believe the acorn scene exists. That was just too funny.

- The Elven King's reaction to Bilbo apologizing for stealing from the pantry just made my day.

- Thorin's actual death scene was done pretty well. It was changed from the book, but the impact wasn't any less. He still had his speech to Bilbo about how it's important to value love and friendship and hospitality over gold and power.

- The entire confrontation with Bard and Thranduil was just about perfect. I really, really like how they did it with Thorin and Bard speaking through the wall. The moment when Bilbo reveals that he stole the Arkenstone (which I'm still waiting to hear why it glowed like that...) was just as painful as it was in the book. Though I do miss Thorin threatening to sting Bilbo's feet with arrows if he doesn't leave quickly.

- Billy Boyd's song made me cry a bit, I confess.

What I Thought Was Weird:

- Thorin became Scrooge McDuck in this film to the point that he even had a 'swimming in gold' moment. Not quite sure what they were trying to do with that.

- Why were Thorin, Fili, and Kili riding mountain goats? And did we really need to hear the clip-clop of hooves? That was just ridiculous.

- There was too much CGI. It utterly lacked the grit of LotR which wouldn't be an entirely bad thing, except it tried to still have that. It still tried to be that big, epic story that LotR is. And it's not. It's The Hobbit. Even WITH the Necromancer stuff, it's still not as big and epic as LotR.

- WHY was that waterfall frozen solid? It wasn't even winter yet! What is this, a lego set???

- I don't think that King Thranduil riding on that moose will ever NOT be hilarious.

- Why exactly did Thorin take off his armor before going out to fight? That seems kind of counter-intuitive, does it not?

- And why did they copy the worms from Dune?! What even was the purpose of that? I honestly don't understand. Why?

- I guffawed when Smaug died Emperor Kuzco style with his tongue hanging out. Seriously. That was some of the funniest stuff I've ever seen. Problem is, I'm not entirely certain if that was intentional or not.

- Legolas is totally a show off. Why is everybody else even fighting? Just send the blond guy in! Heck, he could have had The One Ring destroyed and Sauron taken down before tea time if they'd just given him a chance. He probably wouldn't even have broken out into a sweat. WHY IS EVERYBODY ELSE EVEN FIGHTING AGAIN?!

- I really hope that Thorin's funeral scene is in the extended cut. It had a lot of important resolution for the different character arcs that we missed out on.

- Alfred (aka Unibrow aka Not-Grima aka Little John Wore The Dress Better) was the saving grace of the Bard scenes. The guy deserves a miniseries all of his own (preferably without Bard's brats) and I really, really enjoyed him in this movie. That being said, we really could have used less of his scenes. They didn't belong here. You thought Gimli farting and burping in LotR was bad? Imagine that times 10,000 and you'll get an idea of what we endured.

What Made My Eye Twitch:

- KILI DIED PROTECTING/AVENGING TAURIEL! AAAAAAAAUGH! NO! NO! NO! I accept that this is a movie. It is an adaption. Changes are going to be made. BUT THEY HAVE TO BE CHANGES THAT MAKE SENSE! This made no sense. The romance felt forced already (it was semi-okay last movie, but REALLY felt shoe-horned in here) and this only made it worse. Fili and Kili were supposed to die defending their king and their uncle with body and shield. They were supposed to die with honor, darn it!

- Thorin's fight with Azog was just painful. Azog himself should never have been in these movies. According to the lore, Azog had been long dead and his son, Bolg, was the one out for blood. It would have been fine to leave it as, rather than reducing Thorin's pompous, selfish nobility to a half-crazed, revenge-bent idiot. The fight atop the waterfall was made me cringe while watching it. I could practically predict each movement that the dueling foes made (cliches, cliches, by-the-book cliches that weren't in the book at all) and it felt like it had been ripped from The Lion, The Witch, And The Wardrobe, which is another movie that has a fight with a frozen waterfall and cracking ice. Ugh.

- Tauriel is pointless. Just thought I'd re-iterate that.

- Bard's brats...WHY? JUST WHY? Why were they even there? They were cute in the last movie, but we didn't need them here. We didn't need them bleating out "Daaaa!" every three minutes and constantly putting themselves into danger. No. Just no.

- It was literally pointless for the dwarves to split up and for some of them to stay behind in Laketown. At first I thought that maybe it was to raise the stakes of Smaug burning down Laketown, but nope! Literally pointless.

- Tauriel had no reason for being there and she didn't even have the decency to die in the final battle. I'm still not over that. She might have been okay if she had just been a bit of girl power (because, y'know, apparently Galadriel wasn't enough). Why? Why was she even there? She added nothing to it. All she did was mess some things up.

        And yet, despite all these complaints, I did still honestly enjoy it. I do take issue with some of the...choices. Oh boy do I ever take issue! But it's still a fairly decent movie that I think will be enjoyable to watch as part of the (now 24-hours-long) Middle Earth Marathon. Unfortunately, though, the problems are many and involve things that even I, a devoted fan, cannot excuse or ignore. *sigh* This movie is a 2/5.




What did you think? Do you agree with my rating? If not - what would you say differently?