Trinity (Parody of '3')

One, two, three

Harry, Ron, Hermione

That’s the power of three

Doctor, Rory, Amy

Counting…

One, Two, Three

Dean and Cas and Sammy

That’s the power of three

No one can disagree

Superwholock

Why is it always

When something big happens 

You are to blame?

All the ships sink

Bermuda Triangle

And everybody dies

And feels are mangled

Unholy trinity

Mofftiss, Whedon, Kripke; they are deadly

Rowling, Collins, Green

Sobbing…

One, two, three

Harry, Ron, Hermione

That’s the power of three

Doctor, Rory, Amy

Counting…

One, Two, Three

Dean and Cas and Sammy

That’s the power of three

No one can disagree

One, two, three

Hunger Games trilogy

There’s a power of three

In Greek mythology

Counting…

One, two, three

Aragorn, Legolas, Gimli

See the power of three

Edmund, Eustace, Lucy

Three is a charm

Two is not the same

A third wheel always

Helps with stability

So no it’s not true

That three is company

Those who say that have not

Seen the power of three

Unholy trinity

Mofftiss, Whedon, Kripke; they are deadly

Rowling, Collins, Green

Sobbing…

One, two, three

Harry, Ron, Hermione

That’s the power of three

Doctor, Rory, Amy

Counting…

One, Two, Three

Dean and Cas and Sammy

That’s the power of three

No one can disagree

Of course it isn’t always perfect

‘Cause sometimes Death comes to collect

So don’t count on your BroT3

Living through the season finale

Unholy 

Trinity

Get four or even more

One, two, three

Harry, Ron, Hermione

That’s the power of three

Doctor, Rory, Amy

Counting…

One, Two, Three

Dean and Cas and Sammy

That’s the power of three

No one can disagree

Clap (parody of 'Applause')

I’ve heard that people are supposed to change with time

But whoever first said that hadn’t seen a life like mine

I don’t mean to sound rude but I already know

What I’m supposed to be and I don’t need to grow

I’ve got life figured out, no need to shout

I’m confident and not plagued with any semblance of doubt

So put up your hands and cheer for me

I’m what you all should want to be

Give me that thing that I love; your admiration!

Because I deserve it all, no fabrication!

I’m awesome and I know it, no exaggeration!

There’s no way you can top this; no replication

O-M-G E-G-O what’s that you’re saying?

I’m just a fame addict? Well that’s ignorant braying

Clearly you don’t understand what I’ve been saying

Your lack of faith is extremely dismaying

Perhaps you’re just a critic because you’re jealous

I’m sorry you feel that way but I can’t turn this off

One second at the bottom, next moment at the top

I am such perfection why should I ever choose to stop?

I live for the applause, so give me pause

You know I’m worth your time you’d be worthless without me

Adulation affirmation

Because you know I’m great, not late

I am the definition of egotistic

Now don’t you all just believe that I am perfect?

So won’t you pursue me? Your only object?

Your mission is worship me, now do you accept?

O-M-G E-G-O I am amazing

You’re clapping and cheering for me, so affirming

You’ve fed the beast and now I’m slowly mutating

Into a monster of fame, I’m the greatest thing

Since sliced bread

Ooh-ooh-ooh-hoo

Ooh-ooh-ooh-hoo

Ooh-ooh-ooh-hoo

Ooh-ooh

I live for the applause; it is my cause

To be the primadonna that you all want more of

I almost break all the mirrors, and blind cameras

Because I’m so bright and so ultra glamorous

O-M-G E-G-O But I deserve it

I don’t understand why you’re all in a snit

O-V-E-R-T-H-E-T-O-P

Down’s the only way that you can go from the top

I Can't Stop

A starving artist driving herself mad

Trying to salvage writing that is bad

Crying over fanfiction that is really sad

Pajamas are plaid

It’s all she had

Writing the next great bestseller

Burning through poetry helter-skelter

Too much time inside, giving her pallor

A storyteller

A blog-dweller

Blunt pens and crumpled pages everywhere

Trying not to rip out my hair

Because the words aren't cooperating

So I'm crying and perspirating

The characters are so bland

Got writer's cramp in my hand

Better plan on no sleep tonight

Gotta work until I get this right

Gotta write something

My mind is exploding

My fingers are itching

But somehow the words won't come

Got writer's block

Keyboard is locked

But I can't stop,

And I won't stop

Because sleep is not for me

Not until I fix this analogy

And I can't stop

No I won't stop

Got punctuation to double-check

Gotta research how to varnish a deck

Yeah, yeah

She’s going crazy from a lack of sleep

Crying over posts that aren’t actually so deep

Breaking her keyboard from an abuse of ‘delete’

Rinse and repeat

Admit defeat

My phone rang and broke my train of thought

Low on sleep and overwrought

But this rhyme scheme’s bugging me

Why did I ever start writing poetry?

The publisher sent back my book

Said that it needs lots of work

I’m so disgusted

Pencil lead’s busted, oh no!

And nothing is working

My stomach is churning

My tired eyes burning

Because this is the millionth time

That I’ve re-written

This manuscript

But I can’t stop

And I won’t stop

Until the dialogue is smooth and nice

Even if I have to rework it thrice

So I can’t stop

And I won’t stop

Living off bread and water

Sneezed and dripped coffee all over

Oh fudge!

Lack of sleep and too much caffeine

Wastes time reading old magazines

Procrastinating writing that scene

Stuck in-between

Criticism’s extreme

This is the life story of all

Writers whether they’re big or small

Too many ideas, cannot use them all

Head against wall

Need an overhaul

But we can’t stop

And we won’t stop

Because there’s so many tales to tell

Another re-imagining of how Rome fell

So we can’t stop

And we won’t stop

There’s scripts and fanfiction

Writing is our addiction

We’re doomed.

Joker Face

(Parody of 'Poker Face')

I started as a nobody and grew up as a freak

But that was before I made the news going on a crime spree

My girlfriend is a harlequin, my pranks second to none

And we all know Russian Roulette’s not fun without a gun

Oh, ohhhh, oh, ohhhh, oh

I prank and trick, I’m hilarious

Oh, ohhhh, oh, ohhhh, oh

I have to ask: “Why so serious?”

Can’t read my, can’t read my, no they can’t read my Joker face

‘Cause I’m a psychopathic killer

Can’t read my, can’t read my, no they can’t read my Joker face

My theme song is M Jackson’s ‘Thriller’

J-j-j-joker face, J-j-joker face

(You’re stuttering)

J-j-j-joker face, J-j-joker face

(Stop muttering)

Stop being such a wimp; didn’t you get the joke?

Well then I guess it’s time that your fingers were broke

My story’s sad because my dad was just a lazy bum

Who drank too much and hit me up, never let me have fun

Oh, ohhhh, oh, ohhh, oh

I had no chance, to be a kid

Oh, ohhhh, oh, ohhh, oh

So now I take every chance I get

Can’t read my, can’t read my, no they can’t read my Joker face

‘Cause I’m a psychopathic killer

Can’t read my, can’t read my, no they can’t read my Joker face

My theme song is M Jackson’s ‘Thriller’

Harley, come get the piranhas

Getting tired of this drama

I came out here for some fun

I’m not lying, I’m just a big kid at heart, looking

For a party and a joke

And maybe a little chaos

Because I’m all about the games

I never promised it would be painless

Can’t read my, can’t read my, no they can’t read my Joker face

‘Cause I’m a psychopathic killer

Can’t read my, can’t read my, no they can’t read my Joker face

My theme song is M Jackson’s ‘Thriller’

J-j-j-joker face, J-j-joker face

(You’re stuttering)

J-j-j-joker face, J-j-joker face

(Stop muttering)

J-j-j-joker face, J-j-joker face

(You’re stuttering)

J-j-j-joker face, J-j-joker face

(Stop muttering)

J-j-j-joker face, J-j-joker face

(You’re stuttering)

J-j-j-joker face, J-j-joker face

(There’s no running)

Peter (Parody of 'Judas')

Oh-oh-no I’m in love with Spiderman, Spiderman

Oh-oh-no I’m in love with Spiderman, Spiderman

Peter, Peter Parker

Peter, Peter Parker 

Peter, Peter Parker

Peter, Peter Parker

Peter, Peter Parker

Peter, Peter Parker 

Peter, Peter Parker

Spidey, Spiderman!

We’ve known each other ever since first grade

He was a dork and I was Mary Jane

But then the eency weency spider came

And Peter Parker got a cool upgrade

Oh-oh-oh He’s now a spider, and a crime fighter

Oh-oh-oh A vigilante, who’s in love with me

I don’t know what he is, but I do know I’m his

Because he saved me from the balcony

He’s fought a lot of villains and killed the Green Goblin

And he’s made a lot of enemies

I’m not sure if this is wise, but I know he’ll always be in my

Heart even if I say no and leave him for time twenty-two

It’s all for his own good

No I’m not just in a mood

Not trying to be rude

I’m sorry that I made him brood

I know that people think that I’m a fool

A damsel in distress, unwitting tool

Eye candy for Peter to have to save

He deserves better is what they’ll rant and rave

I can’t deny that I can be so shy and needy

And I know I’m one dimensional, not very sensible

I’m sorry for my writing, it’s not all that exciting

But I’m not the one behind the scenes

I’m just in love with Peter, I know now he’s a keeper

And somebody’s got to be there to scream

So I guess I’ll play the girl he has to save along with the world

It hurt my heart when he was down and Venom beat him to the ground

And though now in the reboots

He got a girl in cahoots

She isn’t me but I don’t really mind

Because I’ve got my Peter

My red and blue clad savior

And though Doctor Who made the new

He suits me fine

I’ll always love him

But something’s always pulling me away

If feels like we’ll never win

But at least we escape to fight another day

Another day

Well Peter does the fighting because of lousy writing

And I love him even though I’m flat

I’m a redhead, not a blond; this is why our franchise bombed

And why do I take all the flack?

I’m just a girl who is hopelessly in love with Spiderman

He swings from buildings up above and saves the children on the van

Peter, Peter Parker

Such a smart-mouthed snarker

Peter, Peter Parker

My brave superhero

Shopping Mall

         

Black Friday came, got our coupons saved, 70% off!

Brand new TV’s, retro DVD’s, a portrait of Rachmaninoff

We scrimped and we saved

Prepping for this day

‘Best bargains of the year!’

No, Miss Gator Purse

You won’t get there first

Missing it’s my greatest fear

Oh it’s madness at the shopping mall

As the shoppers flock and push and shove

Mashed against the doors before them all

I wonder “Does all this trouble pay back enough?”

This crowd seems kind of rough!

Inside you’ll find nobody’s kind as we fight over the last shoe

It’s sick, insane, a messed-up game, but what else can we do?

Happens once a year

Money’s oh so dear

Gotta go to the sales

After Thanksgiving

Buy everything

Reduced prices, you cannot fail

Oh it’s madness at the shopping mall

As we help boost the economy

Consumerism’s taking over all

Of our brains and leaving us with stuff we don’t need

I never meant to start a fight

I just needed those gloves more than you

I’m sorry for the knee to the gut

But I need the toilet cleaner too

I never meant to start a war

Are you gonna sit and sulk and stew?

Well, in that case the joke’s on you

Everything you’ll miss with this hissy fit

Bruises are part of the day

Because it’s madness in the shopping mall

As the shoppers flock and push and shove

Stay on your toes and on the ball

If you want to walk out with something to show

For your suffering at the shopping mall

Is it worth it to come way out here

And fight each other over re-hashed sales

That were tried out on us, earlier this year?

I pity the poor cashiers!

©Emily Ecrivaine (2014)

Talk Nerdy To Me

My reaction to 95% of pop stars...including the one who performed today's song to be parodied.

         By now most of you possessing functioning radios and ears have probably heard the Jason Derulo single 'Talk Dirty To Me'. If you haven't, consider yourself lucky. If you have, I apologise. I know I had nothing to do with the writing, producing, or distribution of this song...but I still apologise. On behalf of all 'dumb guys who get laid a lot and then sing about it', I would like to apologise for them. They don't know any better. Not that that's really an excuse...

        ESPECIALLY for what he did to this song! Oh sure the lyrics are filthy, disgusting, and objectify women like there's no tomorrow (and not even in ways that could be seen as a lame attempt at 'complimentary' or 'funny') but the musician in me just sobs that these offensive and badly-written lyrics were assigned to such a great backing track. Seriously. How could they go so wrong with that funky beat and catchy brass section? Hmmm. Where do I begin?

       Nope. No. I'm not going to do it. First of all, I don't wish to pollute my mind further with that reprehensible waste of good music that isn't worth my time. Secondly, I don't think Mr. Derulo deserves (or cares about) my opinion on his chart-topping single. Thirdly, I don't want to give it any more unneeded recognition. So I wrote some alternate lyrics for us all to sing next time it gets stuck in our heads. I apologise for the clunky rhyming scheme. I had to follow what was originally set in stone, after all.

Time to log into Facebook, check the dashboard feed

That new Hawkeye teeshirt, is just what I need

Can’t answer the age-old question

Star Trek or Star Wars?

But I stay loyal to The Doctor

Could I ask for more?

Got collectibles of Darth Vader and Luke

I hope Jar Jar Binks gets nuked

All you really need to understand is

How to talk nerdy to me

Talk nerdy to me

Talk nerdy to me

Talk nerdy to me

Throw some geek in too

Come watch The Hunger Games

Come read The Hobbit

Oh I can show you the world

Open your mind to it

I’ll be the friend at your side

Hogwarts to Arda

Through space and time together

The Merlin to your Arthur

There’s a whole world out there to be explored

And when you come to the end, then you’ll be wanting more

So keep it simple, start with Psyche

And then you can talk nerdy to me

Talk nerdy to me

Talk nerdy to me

TV – The Big Bang Theory

Books – Redwall and Percy

Films – Guardians of the Galaxy

Yes, I know I’m white and nerdy

Oh yeah!

It’s Orphan Black and Veronica Mars

Agents of S.H.I.E.L.D. and The Fault in Our Stars

Math and science, language and grammar

It’s fun to fill your mind and banter

Gathering knowledge from every corner

You’re an inter-dimensional explorer

Making friends ‘twixt the pages of a book

There’s Peter, Wendy, Captain Hook

Or maybe you prefer to watch them on TV

Where Peter is evil and mean as can be

I want to share these things with you

They’re so wonderful, full of great value

You’ll be glad you started, though you’re never done

So d’you think you’re ready to join a fandom?

Insanity or boredom, pick your poison

Come on, admit it, you enjoyed that fanfic

Not like I'm asking you to belt out Queen in public

If you want there’s a House marathon tonight

So come and talk nerdy with me

Talk nerdy with me

Talk nerdy with me

Talk nerdy with me

Talk nerdy with me

Throw a little geek in

  

Normal?!

        

         Hi, everybody! So I know that the song 'Royals' has been done to death, really I do. Contrary to popular opinion, I'm not actually a hermit and I don't live under a rock. (It's actually a turtle shell...but who's keeping score?) So here is the poem I have subtitled Another Royals Parody (for that is what it is) and it is dedicated to all my fellow geeks, nerds, fanboys, fangirls, or whatever you wish to label yourself as. Enjoy!

You know Buffy’s my drug of choice

You know I spent my savings on all the posters

And if my eyes seem kinda moist

I’ve just got off Moffat’s rollercoaster

So don’t you tease about dating, romance, ‘obsessing’ over hedgehogs

Fake geek girls, why I don’t go for your heartthrobs

I don’t care! I’m fighting Klingons in my dreams

And you know I like X-Men, Firefly, Star Wars, Supernatural

Fred and George, Frodo, and of course Gabriel

Don’t you know? They’ve been my friends for many years!

And I’ll never be normal (normal)

It’s not compatible with my blood

That kind of life is not for me

I crave a different cup of tea

I’ll be your dungeon master (master)

Know every line of Merlin

And, mocker, I’ll rule, I’ll rule, I’ll rule, I'll rule

‘Cause normal’s so boring

My friends and I talk through chat rooms

We share spoilers and have virtual parties

And everyone who knows us knows

Stay out of our way after a SuperWhoLock finale!

The fandom life is made up of sobs and sniffles and smiles

The sniffles win out, but we’d walk 500 miles

Just to be at ComiCon in person, yeah

And we improve our minds writing fanfic, doing fanart and cosplay

Learning Elvish, crying over soufflés

And that’s okay, because we do it as a team

And we’ll never be normal (normal)

That’s illogical indeed

‘Cause Narnia's calling our name

And World of Warcraft’s a great game

Let’s all bond over music (music)

Weird Al or The Beatles?

And that’s how we roll, we roll, we roll, we roll

We also hunt Internet Trolls

Ooh ooh oh

I just don’t know what we would do

Without friends that stick just like glue

Ooh ooh oh

Close as brothers and sisters

Tributes, Potterheads, Whovians, Ringers

My friends are not real friends you say?

Is that because we met online through our writing?

And ‘cause at the end of the day

We have each other’s backs when feels threaten drowning?

Oh now you’ve gone way too far, that’s not cool, did your mother teach you manners?

*Reach for wand and phaser and my best screwdriver*

I know ways to hide your salted and burnt corpse, dude!

Insult me all you want but you’d better leave my friends alone

See? This is why geeks so often sit at home

Don’t you see? If this was about sports buddies, I’d be rude!

Because that would be normal (normal)

But it’s kinda pointless anyway

Because that word is so cliché

A setting on your dryer, they say

And just because we have Vulcans (Vulcans)

Doesn’t make us better than you

But at least we’re not rude, not rude, not rude, not rude

Which is more than we can say for you

©Emily Ecrivaine (2014)

The Revenge of Emily

Emily: Favourite Fandom and Why?

Jess: Well, don't give me a chance to say 'hi', why don't you? Go ahead, jump right in... 

Emily: Well I don't believe in wasting any time in getting down to the torture, but if I must I must...hey everybody. So a while back Miss Jessica cornered me with a tanker full of truth serum and interviewed me (I should have known what I was getting into). No I'm not going to include a link. Jessica probably will though. Anyway...I swore that one day I would get my vengeance, so here we are. 

Jess: Hi everyone! This is Em's revenge for what I did before...I'm feeling a wee bit apprehensive right now...because she can play our resident sociopath and have no mercy...wish me luck. And no, get away from me with that Veritaserum, Emily! *bats hands 'offering' the drug away*

Emily: Fine. But I will know if you are lying! 

Emily: Favorite Fandom and Why?

Jess: Okay, that is an unfair question! Is SuperWhoLock considered as a fandom? You know what? I have three favourites. So, I'll give reasons for all of them...

Sherlock - This is the first fandom that got it all started for me – Harry Potter was my first ever fandom – the one that got me aware that there were these things called 'fandoms' and stuff called 'fanfiction'. Also, even BEFORE I found fandoms, I really, really, really liked all forms of Sherlock Holmes. Even the... no, especially the book version.

Doctor Who - Having only recently jumped on the NuWho (I had watched some Classic – Pertwee and Baker – and wasn't very impressed) Crazy Freight-Train, I was looking at the episodes to be like the old stuff. Boy, was I EVER wrong! My first ever episode of NuWho was the 50th Anniversary Special. I really, instantly liked it. The only dilemma I have about it, is who my Doctor is. War Doctor, Ten, or Eleven? Its Eleven hands down, he did a fantastic job of Season 5. But then Ten is adorable too...

Supernatural - I joined Supernatural even more recently than Doctor Who (it's all Emily's fault, guys) and I immediately enjoyed the story, characters and awesomeness of the show. But I must say that the fact that Dean Winchester is as hot as hell (maybe a bit of a pun intended..) and that Castiel is the awesomest Angel in the world has absolutely nothing to do with it. At all...

Emily. First Fandom Crush?

Jess: What has THIS got to do with anything? *sees look in Em's eyes, the Veritaserum coming closer...* Okay, fine. This is blackmail, Adler-clone! First fandom crush? Um... uh... Winnie the Pooh? No just kidding. That's like wanting to marry a TeleTubbie, or snog Barney the Purple Dinosaur. No, my first fandom crush was most definitely... uh... why do you need to know this again? *sees Veritaserum coming ever closer...* Okay, fiiiine. But you OWE me after this! It's traumatic and cruel and unusual, that's what this is! Fine. *says it in a rush* MyfirstfandomcrushwasSherlockHolmesespeciallytheBBCadaptationone! There! Happy now?!

Emily: *weirded out by the Barney example* 

Jess: What?

Emily: *regains her composure* Current Fandom Crush?

Jess: Toothless the Dragon, from How to Train Your Dragon. Don't give me that look! If you can define 'crush' as 'character you admire' I can too! He's adorable, loyal, beautiful and full of character. And since I've read 'Eragon' I've had a thing for dragons. Y'see I'm not like normal girls. I'm not a princess, fairies aren't my most favorite things in all the world, I don't love sparkles and glitter and finnicky fandango stuff. Just give me a book, a comfy chair and some chocolate and you won't hear from me for hours...I'm not a girly-girl, and I'm not a Tomboy. I'm just... weird.

Emily: Okay. I'll give you that one...I mean, I've gone for a watercolor-animated fox. But why?

Jess: *rolls eyes and wonders if Emily has had her coffee* Didn't I just say why? For y'all that missed it, let me reiterate... I love Toothless the Dragon because he is adorable, loyal, beautiful, and full of character. He's also like a cat, another species of the Animal Kingdom I adore. Seriously. Those big green eyes, and gorgeous black scales... *sighs dreamily*

Emily: O...kay.

Emily: Favorite Character From Any Fandom?

Jess: Emily! This just isn't fair! Its like having a big 'WATCH SHERLOCK' button, or a big 'WATCH DOCTOR WHO' button, and you can only choose one. Look, I have so many, I'll give you a few names from the shows I watch while I while away the time between new seasons... *cough-SherlockHiatus-cough* Anyways, here we go:

White Collar - Neal Caffrey. Have you seen this dude in a suit and hat?! Have you? Have you?! No? Go watch it then!

Supernatural - Dean Winchester, for hotness in one guy. Castiel 'Novak' for awesome adorable Angelness in a holy tax accountant. Besides, who doesn't like Cas?! Sam Winchester for being the hot geek, and the master of the Puppy Dog Eyes.

Merlin - Merlin. For being...well...Merlin. Gwaine because he's hot, witty, and did I mention hot? Arthur. On occasion, when he's shirtless and not being a prat.

So it's a gif from Firefly...Emily doesn't do Castle. 

Castle - Who DOESN'T like Castle himself? He's funny, adorable, loyal and witty. He's also gorgeous. What more could you ask for? (He's also played by Nathan Fillion...)

There are some series'. Do you want me to carry on and take up the whole internet? No? No. Good.

Emily: Why Do You Like Them?

Jess: Um. Haven't I just answered this? *goes back and checks* I do believe I have...are you SURE you've had your coffee?!

Emily: Quite sure. I am all dosed up, thank you very much. Though the microwave is shot...long story. Anyway. Those were all dudes. What about some girl characters you like? I wasn't talking all about 'crushes', y'know.

Jess: A girl I admire from fandoms...hmmm. I guess I'll say Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games. I admire her for her strength, intelligence and bravery. And because she looks awesome with a bow and arrow. Seriously! I'd probably shoot myself in the head with the thing, I've never had very good upper body strength. 'Sides, if you can blow your Angry Birds catapult to kingdom come, anything can happen! *stares intensely at Em...*

Emily: *glares back* Take pot-shots at my Angry Birds skills, why don't you?

Jess: *smiles sweetly*

Emily: Least Favorite Film?

Jess: Right now? Iron Man 3. The fact that I hate Robert Douchebag Junior is only part of it. Crappy protagonist, crappy girlfriend, crappy storyline, crappy suits, crappy, crappy, CRAPPY. Just all 'round crappy. Get it? I didn't like it. It was crappy, IMNSHO. Sue me.

Emily: Favorite Singing Group?

Jess: A toss up between the Beatles and Queen for the oldies bands. Both I grew up with, and both are my feel good, feeling-down-but-wanting-to-perk-back-up, singers and songs. Bet you were expecting One Direction or 5SOS, or Emblem3. I do have a fairly modern day band that I like a lot as well... Take That. Have you heard them? Seriously, whene'er you're feeling down, listen to 'Shine'. Trust me, you wont ever go back!

Emily: Okay. I'll give you the Beatles. Queen? Ehh...at least you have good taste. Who on earth or under it is 5SOS or Emblem3?!

Jess: You don't want to know.

Emily: Guess not. Favorite TV Show?

Jess: AGAIN with the Impossible Choice?! C'mon! This. Isn't. Fair! Look, I love SuperWhoLock. But I gotta say that White Collar most definitely comes second. Neal is awesome, he looks totally debonair in his suits THAT JUST HAPPEN TO FIT HIM PERFECTLY. Hats I understand. But perfectly fitting suits? Since when? Also, the by-play betwixt and between Neal and Peter is HILARIOUS. But yeah. White Collar is one besides SuperWhoLock. Also Merlin.

Emily: Favorite Supernatural/Sherlock/Doctor Who Character? Since you seem to be answering that a lot?

Jess: The Doctor. I love the way he changes, and the way each actor plays their take on him. He's so versatile, but so human too, for an alien. He's also SO brave, and loyal, and loving. And the fact that all his NuWho actors are as hot is awesome as well.

Emily: Fandom that has made you cry the most...and why?

Jess: Harry Potter. Dobby, Hedwig, Serious Black, Dumbledore, and the one half of the Weasley twins had me sobbing my heart out. TIMES TWO! Watching it and reading it had me howling both times. Sherlock comes second – the Fall. Need I say more..? - and Doctor Who – WHY DID ELEVEN HAVE TO TAKE THE BOWTIE OFF?! - come second and third behind that...*sees an opening and bolts*

Emily: *looking after her, nonplussed* KNEW I should have tied her down! Well there you have it, folks, the first part of my revenge. Now I need to go look up a couple weeping angel gifs to spam her inbox with, so pray excuse me.

The Squirming of Emily

         Hello, there; Jessica, here! Nice to see y'all again! How's it goin'? Anyways, this is a rather special blog-post, this one... One where I get to get Emily (who's been a total hermit about herself thus far, hasn't she?) to spill her deepest, darkest secrets and desires about herself. You are not gonna want to miss this! So, read on m'dears, and enjoy...*grins evilly*...rather like this:

*Emily is dragged kicking and screaming to the podium and fed a vial of Veritaserum*

Emily: I hate you for this, you know that? Should have known I was getting myself into hot water...okay, fine. I can do this. *takes a deep breath* Can I at least have some free coffee to compensate me for emotional trauma?

Jess: *ignores that* Okay! First fandom ever?

Emily: The Lord of the Rings.

Jess: What is your favourite fandom?

Emily: Uhh...this one varies?

Jess: Who was your first fandom crush?

Emily: I should have seen this one coming...do I have to answer?! *sees look and threatening bottle of truth serum* Right. Sorry. Um. Hmm. Uh. Hem. Haw. Does this mean first nostalgic character I noticed was interesting or first character I actually admitted to liking?

Jess: Yes

Emily: To which?

Jess: The latter.

Emily: Darn it. And here I was hoping I could get away with waxing poetic about Disney's Robin Hood! Okay. I can do this.

Jess: Told you.

Emily: Okay, fine. First fandom crush...um, I'm going to say Peter Pevensie? Not the Peter from the films, those didn't come out until I was older and he was a jerk anyway, but the Peter from the books and the audio dramas. I'm not even entirely certain if it was a 'crush' or anything like that, usually I don't think of characters like that, but I certainly admired him. To rephrase things a bit, I liked Peter a lot and for a long time he was my favorite character from Narnia. Does that fit?

Jess: Sure. Current fandom crush?

Emily: You should know that I really don't like you right about now...anyway. For a current fandom crush, if I absolutely HAVE to answer and pick someone, I'd have to say Loki. No. Not THAT Loki...I mean Gabriel from Supernatural. I mean, he's pretty awesome. Sure he's a bit of a jerk and plays pranks on the Winchester boys, but he's still hilarious. And his heart's in the right place. We think. We hope? Maybe. Who knows!

Jess: Seriously?

Emily: Oh, and there's also Hawkeye from The Avengers. He's a pretty cool character whenever you look at how he's written. So is Quicksilver from X-Men. And...uh...hmmm. They are certainly some of my favorites. Lots of fun to watch and plenty of witty quips.

Jess: O...kay.

Emily: Oi! You asked!

Jessica: Sherlock or Sam Winchester?

Emily: Sam the whole way! Sherlock and I would probably end up killing other. Of course maybe hanging out with Sam Winchester wouldn't be such a good idea either, considering his luck. Hmmm...

Jessica: The Doctor (9, 10, 11) or Dean Winchester?

Emily: I'd have to say The Doctor. People just die less around him, if you can believe that, and I'm nothing if not a  practical woman. I'd like to keep my guts where they're supposed to be and un-possessed, thank you very much!

Jess: Which is your favourite hobbit?

Emily: That depends on whether we're talking books, audio, or film. But I have a feeling you mean from PJ's films, so I'd have to say Pippin. He's just so adorable and cute and has a great character arc and...yeah. Pippin.

Jess: Sure he's not your crush?

Emily: Quite sure.

Jess: Favourite character in the world?

Emily: Whoa, whoa...hang on! D'you mean real-world? Or just in the world of media and literature in general?

Jess: Media in general. But your answer to the other one'd be interesting to see as well...

Emily: Ehh...let's just stick to media in general, shall we? I would have to say that my favorite character of all would have to be...shoot. How am I ever to decide? It changes from year to year. Right now I'd have to say it's a cross between Charlie Bradbury from Supernatural, Elizabeth Bennet from Pride & Prejudice, and Reepicheep? Yeah. Let's go with that. Although I also love Donna Noble. And Mary Watson. And Gandalf. And...uh, I can't decide!

Jess: Fandom that has made you cry the most and why?

Emily: The show Supernatural never fails to make me cry. All fandoms live off of feels...but this one is just engineered to churn them out in droves. It takes a LOT to make me actually cry over a television show, let me tell you, but for some reason this one does it every time. Between the whole theme of family and loyalty and betrayal, there's also that little fact that nothing ever goes right for the Winchesters (it's almost like A Series of Unfortunate Events...only less hilarious) and the brotherly love and they keep dying and being brought back to life for a price and all the forces of Heaven and Hell are stacked against them and all they want is to just save a few lives and live together without destiny hanging over their heads and tearing them apart and...and...yeah. I'm going to shut up now.

Jess: Best season finale of SuperWhoLock you've ever seen?

Emily: Hey! That's not entirely fair, given that all three shows are still airing. But I'll go down on the record for what I think is the best so far. For Doctor Who, hands down, the best is The Pandorica Opens/The Big Bang. For Sherlock the best finale was The Reichenbach Fall. They're going to have a mighty hard time topping that ever. My advice would be to not let Moffat write the series finales until he gets his act back together. As for Supernatural? Hmmm...that's a bit harder to decide. Honestly it comes down to a contest between Swan Song of Season 5 and Sacrifice from Season 8. There. Am I done?!

So, there you have it. Emily has spilled her beans, and is now sleeping off the effects of the three hundred vials of Veritaserum we had to use...I don't even know whether she's breathing or not...Ummm. Yeah. O-kay... *runs off to take Em's pulse*

The Joan of Arc Curse

 

           There is a bizarre trend happening in Hollywood in recent years - a trend of made-up young females dressed in fitted, gleaming armour and swinging a sword, just so the trailers to their films can assure audiences that they are 'new', 'dark, 'innovative', and star a 'strong' woman as their protagonist. Gag me with a spoon!

          Actually, on second thought, no spoon is needed. I'm already gagging. Not only is this trend annoying in that it is used to excuse lazy writing and re-hashed plots, but I find it rather offensive. As a woman, I am offended by these films. It has nothing to do with their protagonists riding into battle and fighting to overcome physical obstacles as well as emotional ones. Heck, my favorite Lord of the Rings character that isn't a hobbit is Eowyn. But the White Lady of Rohan is, sadly, a rarity in the midst of her trope.

         I like to call this the 'Joan of Arc Curse' and basically it shows up in any story (usually a re-adaptation of a fairy tale) where the female protagonist is fitted out in chain-mail and armor (or, in the case of Eragon, leather) and sent off to cheerfully kick butt and be a 'badass' and is never assigned another character trait. Or at least not a trait that we can actually believe belongs to her character.

        And don't even get me started on the 'chosen one' story that has been beaten into the dust, brought back to life, beaten into the dust again, and then doomed to Purgatory for all of eternity so it can be stomped some more. Often this will be combined with the Joan of Arc Curse to create one big seething (and yet somehow bland) mess of a story that tries to trick you into believing that it's saying more that it really is while it offers nothing new or interesting to stop your brain from disintegrating.

      As a woman, I am offended by this. I am offended that media seems to be having a variation on the Virgin-Whore Complex recently. Let's call it the Badass-Pansy Complex, shall we? The idea that a woman can't be 'strong' and can't be interesting unless she has hidden Kung Fu skills or extreme brilliance or a mean right hook. She always has to come out on top and all characters who dislike her are either the villains or proved wrong in the end and she has to have her pie and eat it too by being such a tough cookie and yet have other characters base their entire lives around her destiny. Writing 101, guys, in the world of fanfiction that's called a Mary-Sue and it is the most despised of all creations. So why are you letting it get by in 'original' works?

          I am sick and tired of the 'strong' female character who can swing a sword and save the day with a witty quip (though the wit is optional) and yet, under the surface, she is about as interesting as glue. And not glitter glue either...the type of dull, boring glue you buy at the discount shop on sale.

            Now I have nothing against a woman going into battle and performing the same feats that a male character would be given. Indeed, we need more female leads in film and television that are competent and allowed the same flaws their male counterparts are given without being patted on the head and called 'quirky' or snarled at and called 'bitchy'. But why oh why is it that the moment a scene is written where your protagonist goes through a tragedy and then dons armor to take care of it via battle the rest of her character development stops? A woman shouldn't be limited by whether she's a 'strong, badass female character' or not. Who's to say what makes someone strong anyway? Strength comes in many forms...and not all of them involve swordplay.

        And of course I have to bring up the whole 'chosen one' story thing again, since the two films that really sparked my ire in recent movie seasons (Alice in Wonderland and Snow White and The Huntsman, respectively) both utilize that story device. What do I say? Harry Potter did it better. Yes, yes I know that he's a male protagonist and that you could cry this opinion just an example of my gender bias showing through (Did I mention, though, that I too am a woman?), but that story honestly did it better. It managed to show the ugly side of being chosen to fulfill a prophecy. And not the 'noble suffering' type either. The ugly, nasty, wearying, dragging, paparazzi-studded, filthy, treacherous side to being 'the chosen one'. All of these new prophecy stories don't do that. Yes the protagonist might have trials to go through, but they're presented more as obligatory trials by fire rather than true suffering. That's not interesting and if you're going to do a much-rehashed idea like a prophesied 'chosen one', you really need to be original!

       So yes, I am very weary of the woman in armor trope that filmmakers use to pat themselves on the back and reassure everyone that they have a progressive girl here. No. Just no. You're actually making things worse whenever you insist that women must be 'badass' and 'strong' in order to be good characters. It's just exchanging one narrow definition of femininity for another, actually. It used to be that women were the love interests, primarily, and just there as eye-candy for the dashing hero to save and the villain to threaten. (This is the common choice, not the rule...) Now they have to be 'not your typical damsel in distress' or else feminists are all up in arms about them. And feminism is important. I firmly believe it is wrong for a man to get better treatment simple because he happened to be born with different plumbing. I just don't like what the media has managed to twist the ideals into.

       Why can't we have some more women like Eowyn or girls like Mulan? Disney, for all its other faults concerning the princesses, has given us one of the best girls-in-armour stories to date with the (cleaned up) version of the Chinese girl who ran away and fought against the Huns in her father's place. Now there is an interesting motivation - love for another person instead of ANOTHER bloody prophecy story. Come on, Hollywood! You can be better than this!

        

True Confessions...

        
                Much as I would like to convince myself (and others) that I am a mature, logical, and cultured person sometimes my taste in media baffles even myself. I sometimes come to find that I enjoy a movie or TV episode despite the numerous plot holes and general ridiculousness of the story. Sometimes I will watch something as a child and then let the nostalgia factor blind me to all of its obvious faults as I age. It is a strange phenomena, but it certainly happens. So while I labour my way through my next review I thought I would prepare a little list for you all; here I am to come clean to you, my readers, as to what my Top 10 Guilty Pleasures in media are (and no I don't like Moulin Rouge, nor do I feel compelled to include gems such as Star Wars: The Phantom Menace or Disney's Hercules).

10: High School Musical

            Only the first one, mind…only the first one! Embarrassingly enough, I came into this particular franchise rather late (i.e. about four years after its last threads of preteen popularity had finally disintegrated) when I purchased the DVD at a second-hand shop. I put off watching it for about a month – still a bit contrary about the whole hype surrounding the movies – before I finally sat down and watched the whole thing one Friday night over fish fingers and ranch dressing. And you know what? It wasn’t half bad. Sure it was a bit cheesy and generic, containing enough teen drama to make Twilight shameful and the tritest ending I have ever seen, but I found myself enjoying the music and the characters. Granted the only ones I really connected with were Sharpay and Ryan (go figure) but I still enjoyed this ridiculous movie despite all of my attempts to hate it. It is mediocre and extremely soppy - but if it happens to be playing at someone's house or it's a rainy day with nothing else to do, I will sit down at watch it.

9: Rankin/Bass The Hobbit

            Oh for the innocent days of childhood when Smaug was an evil Santa Claus-bearded-lizard-thing and Gollum an emo frog! Nah, not really…this movie does indeed have its cringe-worthy moments (including, but not limited to, the entire Mirkwood Spiders scene) and a very hairy, beacon-eyed Smaug who drooled worse than a snoozing pug. I think I enjoy this movie mainly because of nostalgia (it was the first Middle-Earth adaptation I ever saw) and because of the amazing music. Trust me: just hear a few bars of any of the songs and you’ll be singing them all day! The animation isn’t great – it is Rankin/Bass, after all – but the storytelling is pretty solid and captures the spirit of the original book and characters quite well. What can I say? I still enjoy watching this film from time to time.

8: Miss Congeniality 2

            Generally I stay as far away from sequels as I can, simply because they very rarely ever manage to live up to the original (the Narnia franchise comes to mind…) and I hate to have my perception of their respective universes altered/lessened by a shoddy sequel. Needless to say, my enjoyment of the first Miss Congeniality movie was so great that when I saw the sequel in a discount shop I broke my self-imposed restriction and laid down the money to purchase it. And you know what? It wasn’t half-bad. It followed the first story along a logical progression of events and didn’t feel tacked on or shoehorned in. The story was a bit corny and had a few unnecessary awkward spots…but on the whole it was a rather enjoyable experience. I wouldn’t place this movie on a list of my favourite films – but it is certainly something worth watching once in a while.

7: Merlin: Goblin’s Gold

            Uh…hehe…I really have no excuse for this one. I just enjoy watching Arthur with donkey ears (and the voice). The humour is juvenile – at best – and the plot leaves much to be desired; yet I still go back and watch it over and over again.

6: Percy Jackson & The Olympians: The Lightning Thief

            I know, I know: it doesn’t follow the book and the changes made don’t really make it a better story. And yet, I enjoyed this movie more than I probably should have (especially considering the fuss I made at Prince Caspian). The thing is: I’ve always been a fan of myths and the stories of the Greek gods, goddesses, and demigods have been no exception to my obsession. So to see them come to the big screen and be (mostly) flawlessly melded with modern day just had me hooked to begin with. The movie has major flaws, I’ll admit, but I still find it quite a bit of fun to watch.

5: 101 Dalmatians 2: Patch’s London Adventure

            Perhaps the only Disney Sequel that I have ever enjoyed (aside from Lion King 1½ which is technically a spoof) this is a choice that is pure fluff. I find Cruella funny and I actually find her new sidekick (a stereotypical geeky artist) absolutely hilarious…which probably just proved to all of you just how easy I can be amused by a script making fun of someone. The story is almost nonexistent, the animation is amazingly lazy, and it’s a Disney Sequel – yet I can enjoy it. Who would have guessed?

4: Disney’s Oliver Twist

            This is worth watching just to hear Elijah Wood attempt a Cockney accent. Aside from that, it is a loose retelling of Charles Dickens’ classic story that is humorous and has a surprising amount of heart (largely due to Wood – who plays The Dodger – and Nancy’s actress). Not a movie I watch often – but definitely one I enjoy.

3: Jack and the Beanstalk: The Real Story

            I remember the first time I saw this move; I thought it was the coolest thing ever. It was, of course, before the long siege of fairy tale retellings began to stakeout Hollywood and to my young, folktale-obsessed mind this was the greatest since sliced bread. This movie has its moments of amazing amidst all of the mediocrity as well as a soundtrack that ranges from dark and spooky to chillingly beautiful depending on the scene. So yeah – its not maybe as well done as something like Hansel and Gretel: Witchhunters, but it’s worlds ahead of Mirror, Mirror and I would gladly watch it over and over again.

2: Doctor Who: The Curse of the Black Spot

            Oh this episode…I have mixed feelings on it. As a reviewer I recognise the painfully contrived and unoriginal story of the script and the Oh-My-Gosh-They-Killed-Rory ending that was not tension building nor tear jerking. But c'mon - it’s got pirates, guys, and a part of me just can’t pass up an opportunity to hear Matt Smith make cracks about Freudian Psychology to a group of seafaring rogues. As a critic I feel that I should hate this shoddy mess. As a fangirl, I just can’t get enough.

1: Eragon

            I’m sorry! Really I am properly ashamed of myself…but that doesn’t stop me from enjoying this movie immensely. I was never a particular fan of the original book series, so that’s probably why the movie adaptation doesn’t seem to tick me off quite the way that it does more passionate fans. Besides – it’s got a dragon! I mean, half the reason I’m excited for The Desolation of Smaug is that there’s going to be Smaug the Dragon as the main antagonist! Never mind that he’s voiced by the amazing Cumberbatch…he’s still a dragon! Now, Eragon is riddled with flaws – a fact which I won’t even try to deny or justify. But if you can look past some of the almost campy over-dramatics and sometimes-contradictory (or threadbare) plot and just enjoy the scenery and the dragon then you should be able to guiltily take pleasure in this film right alongside me.

        So now that I've exposed my lack of taste and culture to you all, it's your turn to tell me. What are some 'guilty pleasures' that you enjoy when it comes to your movies? Do you even consider those on my list to be worthy of a 'guilty pleasures' list and if not, what would you rank as cheesy enough to be considered worthy?